New Year's Resolutions

First an apology. To all those hoping for uplifting words of wisdom to hold on to. This is the time of year I get cynical. It's just the time i miss you most...

Because I have been down in the pile of poo outside his doorstep, I decided I'd try something new.
A new tradition never hurt, right?

I never have made any new year's resolutions but as things have been a bit out of control I thought I'd better do something.

So...1) No cutting my hair until I have reached my final weight goal and kept it steady for a week.
2) Try to be kinder...just try.
3) Try to be more assertive, less observant.
4) Stop trying to do things. Just do them.

And last but not least, KT, control your mental state. keep your temper
Don't over-think. over estimate your oponent
Don't go blind. keep your eyes wide shut.
Don't forget to breathe. we'd hate to die after coming this far...

Out Of Touch

this is for you ...
I know I suck at traditionsS. Christmas cheer means as much to me as yearly Christmas tears. Pperhaps I'm just losing it. That's it, KT. you're a nut.

Eeven so.i'm.sorry.baby.I can't help but miss the things I do not have this glorious day. Ccoincidences leave me wondering, pondering, whispering to myself. Ii know I mustn't think like that. I know how bad it is for me.

In Europe the time leading up to Christmas day is called Aadvent. They have four. Four weeks of winter, four candles lit and cookies everywhere. I had none this year, I'm staying healthy. At least physically.

What do I want this Christmas? Just you...
Hmm...good question. There was a time I'd squeal over a dead-eyed doll or a shiny new CD. I find these revolting now. Llanterns lit the streets last night as I, on my own Christmas, wished yet again for just one thing. Santa seems an aweful busy man. Ffive years of gifts that mean nothing...he should get a carreer change.

Rremembering old Christmases is kind of fun. Sad in a way, because everything good must Eend. Ii remember this one, we went sledding until my toes were numb and my hands cramped around the rope. Nnever doing that again!

Well I need to run...I hope everyone enjoys their time with their family. Wish you were here...

"Fuse together, help it mend
Seal the book for a happy endD*
You know who you are. . . I am waiting here

Merry

It's Christmas today, not for you, but for me. My family's traditional Christmas is on the eve. It is also, incidentially my first Christmas alone. Usually my family and I would be together, but recent ventures have moved us far across the globe. Hellooooo??

I cannot say I don't miss them, nor can I fully confess to missing our traditional ways of doing things but unfortunately I'm not Peter Pan. Every kid has to grow up. Except one...

I can however, tell you I'm not feeling too well. It seems the change of lifestyle and tradition has had some affect on me, and although it gets tougher...well I'm still standing. :) t-r-y-t-o-k-n-o-c-k-me-d-o-w-n-!

I had to drop off gifts and things all day and am quite tired....tired of hearing voices, tired of seeing faces, tired of it all. So I will proceed to my warm bed with a smiling sigh and wish you all a very good night.




Especially you, angel...sleep tight.

Tug-o-War?

They say I'm not crazy as long as I know good from bad. That as long as I can keep the two apart with my full knowledge, I'll be fine.
The line is getting so horribly thin...
Do you know how hard that is? It's like I'm a rope in a twisted game of tug-o-war trying hard to believe one without dismissing the other.
i don't know what to believe.
With the way this society's set up...almost everything you come across seems to be either good or evil in some way. I hate it. Can't we just be, instead of being something?
i'm not making sense again...
I need a sign, oh allmighty F**K.
i CAN'T DO THIS alone.

"But someday, someday,
You'll learn to need no more.
You'll learn to heed no more.
You'll learn to be."

Rebound

So as any would, I experimented with that which fascinated me. Socializing! itwasbad
As far as small talk goes I'm a pure born idiot, but apart from that my toes freezing off it was alright. Not too exciting, really. A disapointment.
Now I am back in my peaceful solitude, and wonder...what about their solitudes? I mean clearly I'm not alone in being alone. i really hope so...

"Where does the crowd go when the party's over?"
Home?
Who knows, but I bet they miss their solitude.

Show me the way to go home
i'm tired and i want to go to bed
i had a couple drinks an hour ago
And they went straight into my head...

Missing

Solitude is a tough road to travel.

In it's purest form, there is no one but yourself. You pick yourself up, and ironically you let yourself fail. You choose to know and you choose to block out.

Yet something's missing....whether it is knowledge, or lack of, I do not know.

But I won't dwell on things so unclear just yet. Patience will get me there. I have to focus on what I know to elaborate and learn of things I do not. It all starts from the ground up. A building, a tree, a lie.
I lie a lot...perhaps you can see it?
A school.

I wish so much I could get to know my peers...it seems they, at least would understand this chosen form of solitary confinment.
Our form of growth...
However, I follow the rules. HSA has given me so much...it's only fair I let them take their own precautions. Or just let them take.

I'm still much stronger, I feel so much better knowing...at least there are bright minds alive....at least I'm not alone.

Subconscious Thoughts

Sometimes there are things you think knowingly and subconsciously. (Duh, KT!)

Well that's the intro hihihi....you know what's coming....or not.

i grew up all over the world. i traveled every few months and never had friends....at all. Until i stayed put one year in highschool. The first year. The crucial year. Everyone started clumping up in groups of their middle schools. I had no friends from middle school....but one, really. i tried to be a social butterfly, i got nowhere though considering my connections were shut off for a reason.

The few connections that did remain, howeveri.mi.ss.yo.ui thought of subconsciously through every journey, and every place i'd be calling home for a while.
I want to go home so bad...
On the whole, those stayed.

Questions that remain:

What rules? Subconsciousness or consciousness?

Who are these people in the long run?

Do they really help with developing the self?
I don't know, I am lost.

Interaction

I thought this to be fitting...

I wouldn't really do this but I feel it is holding me back in my studies. I can't very well be seen as a good student if I keep all the answers to myself.

I don't socialize. Typically as a rule, it is against my nature. I prefer solitude to masses anyday however, yesterday I realized how vital this...socializing can be for some. I will explain.

My friend has been having emotional troubles. She currently needs support from all angles just to stand. She cannot stand on her own. I used to think that pathetic. I still do, to some extent yet I can't just let her fall. So I'll let her lean on me. Help her along the path she's afraid to walk alone.


W-E-A-K


However, I do believe one should try and stand on one's own. I do. I stand alone and I stand solidly.

Perhaps some bright minds are still out there.

Happiness

How is first-class honest downright happiness achieved?
One way. It's one single path to follow. A goal, an achievement. Once you get there there's no turning back.
Who would want that?

Metanya says do not study reality as it is truth and that you all know. Instead study yourself, as no one will know what you know.

I have given up arguing with her...she just always lashes back.

By the way, I haven't introduced myself...I'm Karrie, nice to meet you.